Hold On trilogy
by Broken Wing114
Summary: REPOSTED! Collection of One-shot fic where 17-year-old Hermione thinks that she has no other way out except for suicide, the most unexpected person keeps her alive. Rated R for suicide and language. Please R
1. Installment 1

***This is a one-shot song fic. It deals with suicide so if that subject upsets you in ANY way.. DON'T READ ON!! The song is based on "Hold on" by Good Charlotte. Please Read and Review. If you don't like it.. DON'T TELL ME. ***  
  
This world, this world is cold But you don't, you don't have to go Your feeling sad you're feeling lonely But no one seems to care  
  
I can't take to pain anymore. It's too hard to go day-by-day plastering a smile on my face because my friends don't know the hurt I feel everyday.  
  
As I sit here with a blade to my wrist, I am not crying, there are no tears left. I touch the blade closer to my skin; I feel it's cool sharp edge. Finally, the blade cuts into my wrist, it feels good. I am not thinking about the blood trickling from the wound, but about the broken shards of my life.  
  
I was so happy for a while there, then my mom left. It's just my dad and me, doesn't sound bad right? Wrong. My dad is a cocaine addict. Morning, noon and night he is sitting at the kitchen table snorting. When he gets like that I have to lock myself in my room because he will come after me.  
  
Your mother's gone and your father hits you This pain you cannot bear  
  
I am glad I am at school, away from him, though life hasn't got better by any means. Harry and Ron have no idea what I am going through. Yes, they know my mom is gone, but they don't know about my dad nor do they care much.  
  
Now that I am Head Girl, they totally ignore me. I think they were relieved that I got the position because I wouldn't be around them as much. I spent six fucking years helping them defeat Voldemort and they're thanks? They ignore me and hope I go away.  
  
So I'll do just that, I will go. I will go away from this Earth. No one will miss me because I am just studious muggleborn Hermione Granger. The only time people need me is to do their homework for them.  
  
Shit I just got blood on the carpet. They will just magic it out, after I am gone.  
  
But we all bleed the same way as you do And we all have the same things to go through  
  
I cut a little deeper, it hurts now but that's ok. I want it to hurt. I want to feel. I can't remember what it is like to feel things. I have been so numb to everything around me since my father started hitting me.  
  
I stop cutting my left wrist, and move onto the right. This one is harder to do; I can't find a good place it is already too cut up. When I found a good place I cut, quickly so it would hurt more.  
  
Your days you say there way too long And your nights you can sleep at all Hold on And you're not sure what your waiting for, but you don't want to no more And you're not sure what your looking for, but you don't want to no more  
  
And boy did it hurt! I needed it, for a second I felt happy. Happy because I was feeling something that didn't hurt so badly, also I was happy because I was starting to black out.  
  
The world around me was getting dark. My wrists were bleeding freely now, and I was losing a lot of blood. I must have cut in the right place.  
  
Right as the world was fading away, I heard a voice.  
  
"Granger?" it asked.  
  
"Granger can you hear me?" That's the last thing I remember.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I woke up a few days later in the Hospital wing. My arms were bandaged and they hurt.  
  
"Good, Miss Granger. Your awake." Madame Pomfrey came over as fast as her legs could carry her.  
  
"What happened?" I asked. I remember cutting and then a voice. Anything after that is a mystery to me.  
  
"You were found in your dormitory lying unconscious. It's a good thing Mr. Malfoy saved you. You would have been a goner." Madame Pomfrey busied herself with the bandages on my arms.  
  
"Malfoy?" I asked, through gritted teeth. You would think that when she went into the medical field she would at least be gentle.  
  
"Yes. He had gone to your room to ask you something, when he saw you cutting your arms. He was going to ask you what you were doing but then he saw you begin to pass out. You lost a lot of blood the other night. Why did you do it?" She stopped with my bandages and looked at me seriously.  
  
"I needed to feel." I said simply, as the tears began to fall.  
  
She hugged me while I cried. It felt good to have someone to hold me while I was upset. When I calmed down I lay back down in the bed and just thought about things.  
  
What are you looking for? What are you waiting for?  
  
I came to the conclusion that I needed to talk to Malfoy; I wasn't able to complete my task because Madame Pomfrey wouldn't let me leave for three more days.  
  
The minute she let me out though, I ran around the school in search of Malfoy. I finally found him sitting at the trunk of a tree facing the lake.  
  
"Malfoy?" I approached him.  
  
"I knew you would come." He didn't even turn towards me. He just sat there staring out at the lake.  
  
Do you know what you're doing to me? Go ahead, what are you waiting for?  
  
"Thank you." I said to him.  
  
"Everybody deserves a second chance at life." His face was unreadable, he just stared out at the lake.  
  
"Even me?" I took a step closer.  
  
"Even you."  
  
I smiled. "Thanks again, I don't know how I could ever repay you."  
  
"Repay me?" He turned towards me. His eyes were different, not the cold gray but warmer, more gentle. "The only way you can repay me is to NEVER pull that shit again, ok?"  
  
"I won't." I said.  
  
"Promise?" He raised his eyebrows.  
  
"I promise." I walked over the rest of the way too him, sat next to him and hugged him. I don't think he expected it for a moment there, and then he just wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged back.  
  
It was healing for me to hug him. I know in a way it was healing for him too.  
  
It was a beginning of a beautiful, but kind of ironic, friendship.  
  
Hold on if you feel like letting go Hold on it gets better than you know  
  
Don't stop looking your one step closer Don't stop searching it's not over  
  
Hold on if you feel like letting go Hold on it gets better than you know  
  
Hold on 


	2. Installment 2

_I decided to put all of the three one-shots together and this is the second installment. _

* * *

_THERAPY_!!  
  
"Why did you do it?" Draco asked as he and I were sitting at that tree. We had been sitting there for the past 10 minutes in silence.  
  
"I was sick of life."  
  
'_Paralyzed. Nothing's getting through to me.  
  
Hypnotized from all my surroundings.  
  
I wanna be something I could never be.  
  
I wanna say things that I could never say.  
  
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!  
  
Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life._'  
  
"Sick of your life, huh?"  
  
"That's what I said."  
  
'_Dragged down Rubbing my face in the ground.  
  
No time for the undecided.  
  
I wanna know why I've always felt alone,  
  
And I wanna love. Why am I untouchable?  
  
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!  
_  
_Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.  
  
I never wanted to be sick of my life.  
  
I'm tired of everything in my life'_ ("Sick of my life")  
  
"What's so bad about it?' he looked at me. "I mean look at you. Your Hermione Granger. Your top of our class, friend of Harry Potter, you helped defeat Voldemort. Anyone in your shoes would love life. But, no, you try and take it."  
  
"MY LIFE ISN'T PERFECT." I yelled out. "My dad is a coke head, he beats me. My mom is gone. Harry and Ron don't even talk to me anymore." Draco's jaw dropped. "That's why I did what I did." I was angry now, at myself mostly. I didn't really want to tell him all of that it just came out.  
  
"Wow." He breathed out.  
  
"Yeah, well." I crossed my arms over my chest. When I did my robes moved so that the bandages were clearly visible. Draco looked at them. When I realized what he was looking at I hid my arms again.  
  
"Suicide is not worth it." He said.  
  
"Yeah and how would you know?" I snapped.  
  
"Because I have tried it." He turned away, looking back out toward the lake.  
  
"I didn't know." Was all I could say.  
  
"No one really does, except for my mother that is. She was the one that found me, just as I found you." He pulled up his sleeves and showed me the scars. "She was so afraid that she was going to lose me. I pleaded for her not to tell father. She promised me she wouldn't, and she kept that promise until the day she died." Draco would not look at me. I knew he must have been close to his mother the way he talked about her. I also knew that she had died in the War.  
  
'_What do you see in the dark  
  
when the demons come for you?  
  
If only you could have seen  
  
how fucked up my life used to be  
  
then everything starts to change  
  
supposedly healing my pain.  
  
I never thought I'd feel this way.  
_  
_I never thought that I'd see a day.  
  
I'd run away from anything or anywhere or anyone.  
  
It's all these demons haunting me.  
  
Its all these little things trapped inside of me.  
  
Releasing me from all my sin.  
  
It's taken me all of my anger.  
  
And taken me all of my hate.  
  
To learn how my life came together  
  
Releasing the demons again.'  
  
_"I'm sorry." And I was.  
  
"Whatever." He still wouldn't look at me.  
  
"I miss my mom too." I said trying to get him to look at me.  
  
"Yeah, well, at least your mom isn't dead." He looked at me, his eyes filled with hurt.  
  
"Close enough." I said quietly.  
  
'_And now I look through my minds eye  
  
and see where my past needs to rest.  
  
Its always disturbed by these voices  
  
that echo inside of my head.  
  
Another way that I can hide  
  
another reason to crawl inside and get away  
  
from everything and everywhere and everyone.  
  
NO!  
_  
_It's all these demons haunting me.  
  
Its all these little things trapped inside of me  
  
releasing me from all my sin.  
  
Its taken me all of my anger  
  
and taken me all of my hate  
  
to learn how my life came together  
  
Releasing the demons...again.  
  
Facin' the days as I grow into my own  
  
Loving and hatings the same  
  
And three-fold I told you  
  
it comes back with laughter.  
  
Over and over again  
  
it's coming back.  
  
Its taken me all of my anger  
  
and taken me all of my hate  
  
to learn how my life came together  
  
Releasing the demons again._' ("Releasing the demons")  
  
That topic was closed and locked away. He didn't want to talk about it nor did I.  
  
A few minutes later, people started coming out onto the grounds. Lunch must have been over. Since it was Saturday most of the school liked to lazy around the grounds, especially on such a nice day.  
  
I heard Harry and Ron's voices coming closer. They were talking about something and laughing. It pissed me off that they could just go on like that without a care in the world.  
  
"Hey, 'Mione." Waved Harry.  
  
"What's up, 'Mione?" Ron asked, smiling at me as they walked by.  
  
"I'm going to kill them." I got up and stomped towards them, Draco following me. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?" I stood in front of them making them stop in their tracks.  
  
"What do you mean?" Harry asked, oblivious. "And why the hell is Malfoy following you?"  
  
"I am the one that asks the questions around here, alright?" The two nodded. "Good. Now you two ignore me from the time we boarded the Hogwarts Express, until now. What the hell is up with you?" I stood ready for anything they would throw back at me.  
  
"Well, we heard about the hell of a week you had, and we thought it was because of us." Ron said.  
  
"How dare you?" I said in a quiet forced voice. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!" I screamed at them.  
  
"What do you mean, 'Mione?" Harry asked.  
  
"You really think that I would do what I did because of YOU?" I was pissed.  
  
"Well, yeah." Said Ron.  
  
_'For everything you do  
  
I'd like to swallow you.  
  
And everyday I'm gonna blame you  
  
Even if you justify  
  
Every fucking bullshit lie  
  
It only makes me want to break you.  
  
You pull me down  
  
And you crucify my name.  
  
You make me insane  
_  
_It's broken now.  
  
Don't ever look my way  
  
Don't even think I'm playin'  
  
'Cause I fucking hate you.  
  
You're such a liar  
  
And I love to hate you.  
  
You're all the same to me  
  
When you repeatedly  
_  
_Take advantage of me.  
  
The only thought I get of you sickens me  
  
Everybody knows you're fake  
  
You're everything I fucking hate_. ("I fucking hate you")  
  
"You two have got the BIGGEST egos I have ever known. I can't believe you. I did what I did because I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't because of you. I would NEVER hurt myself because of you two. I tried to kill myself because I didn't see any other way out. I didn't think life was worth it. But I would NEVER do that because of the shit you two pulled." I was freaking out on them and they deserved it. I didn't care that there were people all around us. I didn't care that Draco was having the time of his life. I didn't care period. I was finally getting things off of my chest.  
  
The two buffoons just stood there with mouths open. I was thoroughly satisfied with myself. "Come on, Draco." I turned on my heel not waiting for him. He smirked at Harry and Ron and followed my example.  
  
When I reached the Head's common room I collapsed onto the couch and cried. They weren't tears of sadness, more like tears of anger. I was so angry with the two of them. I had given them so much of me that I didn't know how much was left.  
  
As I was crying I didn't hear Draco come in. In fact I didn't even know that he was there until he scooped me up into his arms and held me. He kept me there until my tears subsided.  
  
"My knight in shining armor." I tried to lighten the mood.  
  
He smiled. "You know it my lady"  
  
I laughed.  
  
Laughing liked that was therapy in its own weird way. I might have lost two friends, but I gained one that knows the true me. I need Draco in my life, and I am sure he needs me too.  
  
I hugged him again.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked as we pulled away.  
  
"I needed to finish my therapy." I smiled.  
  
He looked confused for a minute, though he seemed to understand after a few moments. "Me too."

* * *

_All of the songs are not mine they are Godsmack songs. _


	3. Installment 3

I decided to put all three together and this is the final installment.

* * *

THE LETTER  
  
It's been three weeks since that night, the night I tried to take my life. The daily routine has gone back to about as normal as it can, what with me ignoring Harry and Ron (a.k.a. Scar boy and Carrot Top) and my being friends with Draco Malfoy.  
  
I am back to tell you a story. This story took place yesterday and changed the way I look at Draco forever. Now onto the story:  
  
I had been sitting in the empty Head's common room reading in my favorite chair by the fire, when Draco came in.  
  
"Hey, 'Mione" he said as he sit on the couch, adjacent to my chair.  
  
"What up?" I asked not even looking up from my book.  
  
"I have been doing a lot of thinking." At this I looked up at him. "I have decided to show you something. Its something I have never shown to anyone." He looked at me eyes full of anxiety. He was nervous about something.  
  
I closed my book and placed it on the floor next to the chair. "Ok what is it?"  
  
Without saying a word he took an envelope from the pocket in his robes and handed it to me. I looked at it for a few moments before returning my gaze to him.  
  
"What are you waiting for?" he asked getting tired of the awkward silence.  
  
"I don't know" I said looking at the envelope again. "I guess I am afraid of what it will say."  
  
He stood. "Just read it ok?" And he was gone with out another word, into his room closing the door behind him.  
  
I slowly opened the envelope and unfolded the piece of parchment and began to read silently.  
  
_'Dear whomever finds me,  
  
I am done! I am sorry that you had to find me this way but  
  
I couldn't handle it anymore.  
  
Life itself has become too complicated for words and I  
  
can't deal with it anymore. Father wants me to be something that  
  
I am not, nor will I ever be.  
  
If you are not my mother who finds me, show her this  
  
letter. She deserves to know. I want her to know that I did not  
  
do this because of her.  
  
It was him that drove me to hurt myself. It has always  
  
been about him.  
  
Growing up life always revolved around Father and his  
  
killings. Father used to tell me stories about the Muggles and  
  
Muggleborns that he used to torture for fun. Those poor innocent  
  
people, who were probably just in the wrong place at the wrong  
  
time, lost their life because of my asshole of a father. I hate  
  
him.  
  
I am taking my life so I can get away from him. I can get  
  
away from the pressures of being the heir to the Dark Lord. I  
  
don't even want to be the heir. Did anyone ever ask me if I  
  
wanted this? Of course they didn't.  
  
This is my last goodbye. I love you, Mom. I hate you,  
  
FATHER, I hope you miss me, though I know you won't.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Draco Malfoy'  
_  
I folded the letter, and wiped the tears from my eyes. I sat there still for a moment or two just trying to compose myself. I wanted to go talk to Draco but I couldn't while I was still crying.  
  
When I composed myself enough I got up and walked to Draco's door and knocked. He didn't answer but I know that he was there. He was singing.  
  
'Mr. Higginson, am I not good enough for the world?  
  
Am I destined to die the same way that I lived.. in seclusion?'  
  
I had heard that song before. It was from a Muggle band! The Ataris, if I am not mistaken.  
  
"Draco? Can I come in?" I said as I knocked again.  
  
"Yeah" I heard from within.  
  
I opened the door and entered, slowly. I saw Draco sitting on the floor leaning against his bed. He was looking forlorn with his headphones around his neck and the CD player on the floor next to him.  
  
"I read it." I came over and sat next to him on the floor.  
  
"I told you too." He wasn't looking at me, meaning he had a lot on his mind.  
  
"I know" I said, "I'm sorry."  
  
He turned he gaze to me. "Sorry for what?" he raised an eyebrow.  
  
I sighed. "I don't know, everything? The stuff that you went through, alone, you had a tough life. I bet that Harry, Ron, and I didn't make life too much easier for you. Always there saying things about you, or in my case hitting you." I looked at my hands not wanting to look at him.  
  
"You three didn't make life any easier. Look at you three; you were always there to save the day. And, you, you were better than me at everything, except for Potions that is. My dad hated that. He would always say how much of a screw up I was because I wasn't better than a 'Mudblood'. I hated when my dad compared me to you."  
  
"I had no idea."  
  
"No one really did. I also want to say I'm sorry."  
  
"Why?" I raised an eyebrow this time.  
  
"Because I gave you no warning as to that letter. I should have told you about it before I had you read it. I couldn't though. I couldn't bring myself to tell you that it was my, my-"he stopped.  
  
"Your suicide letter?" I looked him straight in the eyes.  
  
"Yeah. Did you write one?"  
  
"Yes, but I burnt it up after that day. I just couldn't bear for it to be anywhere near me. I said a lot of things in that letter. Most of that stuff was never meant to be put into writing." I blushed.  
  
"Like what?" he asked his eyes shining with an evil glint.  
  
"Like how I thought that Ron secretly had a crush on Harry, and that Harry likes to keep him around for ehem a cheap thrill." My face was burning.  
  
"You mean like-"  
  
"Yeah, like that."  
  
He began to shake with laughter. "That is awesome." He said after he began to calm down again. "You know, the scary thing is I could actually picture Harry doing that."  
  
I gave him a look and he began to laugh again and after a few moments we were both clutching our stomachs, tears running down our faces laughing.  
  
When we had finally stopped laughing we were sprawled out on his floor breathing heavily.  
  
"Did you really write that?" he turned he head to the side to look at me.  
  
"Yeah, I did." I smiled.  
  
"That's hands down the funniest thing I have heard in a long time." He sat up and rested his arms on his knees.  
  
"Glad to be of service." I sat up and crossed my legs.  
  
"Hey, Hermione?" he said, with a serious look in his face.  
  
"Yes, Draco." I looked into he serious gray eyes.  
  
"Thank you." he smiled.  
  
I didn't even need to ask why he had said that. "Your welcome." I smiled back.  
  
End of Story.  
  
Yeah so that is my story. I hope that you liked that. Draco and I have become so close in such a short time that I couldn't picture my life without him anymore. I need him there to keep me sane. I need him to be my confidant, my friend.

* * *

_The part that Draco is singing is from the song "The Hero Dies in This One" By The Ataris. Its my favorite song._


End file.
